Some dude from yahoo answers had a cool question. Now, its obvious he hasnt taken my secret quiz, but ignore that, and focus on his question, and how I answer it.
Question:
Unfortunately have the “nice guy” syndrome. Shall i stop being nice(Not become rude, but just sop being nice)?
here is the kinda guy i am
” a guy who will listen to his female friend’s every complaint, rant, problem, and experience in life; will help them out no matter to the cost to them; would die for their friends without even thinking; . All their female friends will continue to go out with mindless, stupid assholes that treat them like ****, and hurt them over and over again, never even considering the nice guy, because of his “normal” physical appearance ”
I Have always wondered why all my relationships won’t work.. But today i found out that its because of the nice guy syndrome… I am thinking about changing and become a neutral or sometimes a mean person.. And i will do it.. I know a its a nice personality i have… But all i got from that personality is being hurt and worries.. So i dont think i got nothing to lose, if i still become treated the same being a mean person…
plus i feel like being nice,caring and giving is not the real me, Even tho i have been doing that for years, but i don kno why i keep doing it, may be i am just used to it…my inside keeps on telling me that its not the real me, so today i am gonna try to accept my inside and not be the kinda nice guy i think i am, and see what happens.. here is an example…
My friend (this girl i love)— asked me last time ” if she can stay at my room until she finds a place to stay because she broke up with her boyfriend”
I said,Okay–,, My reasons?.. she is my friend, i love her, I feel like i have to be there when she needs me like always, it might be a chance for me to make something happen, I ain got nothing to lose by letting anyone to stay in my room for few days but it would mean some thing to that person.
But my mind was telling me — , don let her stay in your room, she will end up giving you worries, tell her **** off, and you dont care if she ain got no place to stay,,
but i finally decided to let her stay in my room for few days, just for the sake of staying the same nice person i was and being there for her, and she ended up giving me stress and worries in those few days..
so if it was to day,, i will listen to my mind and tell her ” look, i am not your boyfriend, i wont let you in my room, and whatever stiuation you are in is not my buisness, the only reason that i might let you in my room is just in case something good happens between me and you, but i dont think so, if it didnt happen all these years i’ve known you, it wont happen now : so fack off, you are not getting into my room”,,, i know this would be a rude response, but this is what my mind Was telling me…
so what i am saying is that i think i am a nice guy, but thats not the real personality i have in my deepest mind… i think i have been acting nice all these years just to get recognition and seems like am used to that personality,, but that is not my real personality…
Plus, I dont know why but it seems like EVERYONE find it easy to disrespect me.. I know its not good to compare myself with others but it seems like people find it easy and okay to disrespect me once they know me, but not others who are not nice.. I have noticed this in many different ways. Ithink its because of that nice personality of mine, that everyone i meet start disrespecting me once the know me..i fell like if i don’t do any thing for the sake of people and stay limited to myself no body will find it easy to disrespect me or treat me less than others…i really want to know why? is it because i am making myself available too much? how do i draw lines? or make people understand that i am not being fool when i help them?
so don’t you think i have to change and be the real me and never do anything nice to people when i can even tho i ain got nothin to lose? seriously, why? why do something nice, when its not ur business? just stay to your self and don harm anyone…i mean i dont ever want to become mean or rude, but i just want to stay to myself and do what is good for me and not care about anyone’s problem if it is not my fault… i wonder if it is going to work?
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My answer:
It’s not that easy to stop being a nice guy. You have it mastered over all these years. I was in the same situation like you.
I recommend you read about it and research it. There are many articles and products on the internet that talk about this ongoing issue.
Go and search about being successful with women and being more confident. But be careful. You will be offered to buy a lot of products from the seduction community. You don’t need any of them. What is free is enough.
I wish I could give you the answer in this question, but the truth is that it will take you years to break out of the nice guy syndrome. So be prepared to work in order to get rid of it. No quick fixes available.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
I have gone through the text to leave you with one simple suggestion—be polite but be firm.You have something to achieve in life which is more than being nice to others and be destined to invite for a raw deal in the family for which you will not find anyone to rescue you from amongst the people who called you as a nice guy.I have learnt it through sufferings for the last 20 yrs.Now the ball is in your own coat pocket and will be there for ever as long as you have this question in your mind.
I only date really nice guys- and I’m a catch. Don’t change who you are!
As far as being taken advantage of, don’t go out of your way for people who you know wouldn’t do the same for you- that doesn’t make you ‘mean’- friendships and relationships should be give and take- you shouldn’t be the only one giving.
Im the same way you are, im sort of writing this so I can read it myself lol but I think our reasons are coming from the idea of a perfect world where people realize the nice things we do. For the most part people could care less. I know this because people i’ve met long ago do not remember me even though I remember very specific events i shared with them, kinda sucks.. but I think you should stay true to yourself (i know how your feeling about that suppressed anger towards the situation). You really are a nice guy but like the person above me said, be firm. I’ve got to learn that myself and it will take time. Just keep your mind on that and eventually you’ll become more of the person you want to be. Good luck with things!
I will be quite honest with you, didn’t read your entire question but I just wanted to comment on you asking what you should become. Absolutely nothing!!! continue being who you were before you met the assholes that you have. Your reasons to have met those people were plenty. But the main reason you need focus on is that you are in the know now. Now you know the type of individuals to stay clear of…….even if you decide to be apart of those types, dint be so open to expose yourself. Once you start chipping away at the good things about yourself that make you you, you are volunteering to take that a walk down the road of confusion and disaster. Dont you know that whatever you entertain, join, hook up with, has to compliment you and vice versa. Embracing who you are and maturing in who you are is what life is about. So make it your business to meet like minds, appreciate good company and even if you have to be apart of people and things that don’t necessarily compliment who you are and what you believe, take the ride, but be wise. Never change the essence of self, I believe that you voluntarily put your soul up for sale.
Basically, yes. You need to stop being so nice, that is the “savior,” running to the rescue in the hope that you will win the lady’s heart. That simply doesn’t work with most women, if not all. Women look for strength, and part of that strength a lady senses in your ability to stand up to her, tell her “no.” That “no” doesn’t have to be harsh or rude, just firm. She reasons (or doesn’t reason but senses) that if you can’t stand up to her how can you stand up to others?
Man to man, me to you, a woman wants strength, and when you come across, when she reads you, as weak, or lacking the strength she seeks, she loses interest romantically very quickly.
So, yes, if you sense that strength in yourself, let it out. Don’t be a doormat, or a buddy a gal can count on to use and then discard (so to speak).
But you don’t have to go to the other extreme and be caustic or profane. For example, old female friend you would dearly love to get something going with, breaks up with boyfriend and wants to crash at your pad for a while. You think that might lead to romance (your heart says), but your head tells you it really won’t happen. You’ll just wind up used, again. So in that situation I would say, “Here’s my problem. I have cared for you for a long time, and I could do that in the hope that you might do an about face and show an interest in me, but I know that won’t happen. So even though I feel for you as a friend, I won’t let you stay with me.”
A part of her would be shocked. Another part might say, “Wow, that took guts.”
If I am understanding you, you are saying that you don’t receive anything in return for your good deeds. If this is true, I wouldn’t blame you from refusing to offer your services. A withdrawal of aid is very different from an act of harm. It wasn’t your responsibility to help them in the first place. It has always been your choice to provide them with your services. Let me be clear, there is nothing mean or rude about putting a stop to your favors given. That said, in the world we live in, we would be wise not to expect any great favors in return for our good moral. So, be careful of the choices you make. You might jeopardize a lasting true friendship because you are stressed out by either one or the other of many different tasks.
wooow. Well, maybe you should exchange the being nice part to just being really happy and random all the time. I love hanging out with random happy people, they never get boring.
. plus, they all say exactly what they think but in a fun happy kinda way. you know what i mean? of course they can be very mean if they need to…everybody does.
Unfortunately, you cannot change the light you have inside of you. (I am 36 and I have the whole nice thing too and BELIEVE me…. I have TRIED everything.) I have tried to ignore people, tried to be nice, tried to look for people, tried to NOT look for people…Tried to be sociable, tried to be anti social, tried being nice to mean people, tried being nice to nice people, tried staying in a shell and keeping the friends I know, tried getting rid of the people I know… it doesn’t matter. When you’re nice, people who suck will FIND YOU.
I don’t have positive words of wisdom for you. All I can suggest is try to find people who think you matter. I don’t know where they are. (Probably TX… Texans are the MOST hospitable and kind people I’ve ever encountered.) Other than that, stay nice… being mean won’t suit you and you will be bitter and that’s no way to close out a life.
I respect you. You have a people pleaser type of personality and a lot of people take advantage of that. You may become part of the problem rather than part of the solution if you enable others to not take responsibility for their own actions. You can still be a Nice Guy but you cannot give up yourself for someone else. Set healthy boundaries for yourself. Be compassionate. Keep loving others. Please see http://www.coping.org/innerhealing/boundary.htm
What about cases like this then: http://www.the-niceguy.com/articles/Me.html
The author seems to have an extreme case to do with people-pleasing. Would you say he fits your typical “nice guy” template?